This has been the most difficult year of my life. Circumstances beyond my control have left me bitter. Having to live with the consequences of other peoples actions is a challenge. These are not my mistakes yet I must pay for them financially and otherwise. Don’t bother asking for details, as I will not provide them.
My point is this, a new year is on it’s way and even though I don’t see the bright side most of the time I’m going to try to remind myself of the shimmers that peek through the clouds once in awhile.
I’m going to try to be thankful for those shimmers no matter how brief or small. So here goes,
I am thankful that I have succeeded in my goal to breastfeed my daughter for a year, and will continue to do so as long as I please. I am thankful that my daughter is healthy and normal. I am thankful for the friendship I’ve built over this challenging year, of which I would not have been able to get through without. I am thankful for my own health and that of my husband and our close friend who has helped us through our tough times. I am thankful that I’ve been able to cloth diaper my daughter, making even the slightest dent in the damage being done to her future world makes me feel better. I am thankful for the option to stay at home with my daughter, to take care of our home and family. I really don’t know how working moms do it, especially single moms, like my big sister.
As this, the most difficult year of my life comes to a close I have decided to set some goals for myself. I’ve never had much of that stuff they call gumption, I am TERRIBLE with follow through. I think I have a fear of success. I wouldn’t want to be well received because then things will be expected of me. YEESH! cant have THAT! So I was, like many others, going to make a list of
broken promises new years resolutions. I have decided instead to make a list of goals. So here goes….
- Make things. Get good at making things that other people will not only covet, but are willing to pay for with money they worked hard to get. Make things others will love and want to show off to their friends, and they too will covet. (I’m having a bit of a confidence block, I feel my craftsmanship skills are not good enough to put to market, although I’ve done it on a small scale before)
- Sell things you handcrafted. Sell things that people want to buy. Get good at marketing and selling the things you make and others covet. (I’m so afraid I will fail to meet the demands of success, or get no success from a lot of effort)
- Stop focusing on the life you where never meant to have. Try and improve the one you do. (I can’t help but wonder why those who have hurt me in the past get to have their happiness and I can’t have mine, I guess maybe I haven’t found it yet)
- Write more. Write here, whether or not anyone reads it. Write in Loki’s baby book, write letters, write thank you notes, white what is, what was and what could be. Just don’t wallow. (for me that’s like telling a smoker not to smoke)
Well I guess that’s all the coherent rambling I have left in me for now. Loki could wake up any minute, which leaves me feeling like a spy defusing a bomb when I trick her into a nap.