Bitter but Thankful and so forth.

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This has been the most difficult year of my life. Circumstances beyond my control have left me bitter. Having to live with the consequences of other peoples actions is a challenge. These are not my mistakes yet I must pay for them financially and otherwise. Don’t bother asking for details, as I will not provide them.

My point is this, a new year is on it’s way and even though I don’t see the bright side most of the time I’m going to try to remind myself of the shimmers that peek through the clouds once in awhile.

I’m going to try to be thankful for those shimmers no matter how brief or small. So here goes,

I am thankful that I have succeeded in my goal to breastfeed my daughter for a year, and will continue to do so as long as I please. I am thankful that my daughter is healthy and normal. I am thankful for the friendship I’ve built over this challenging year, of which I would not have been able to get through without. I am thankful for my own health and that of my husband and our close friend who has helped us through our tough times. I am thankful that I’ve been able to cloth diaper my daughter, making even the slightest dent in the damage being done to her future world makes me feel better. I am thankful for the option to stay at home with my daughter, to take care of our home and family. I really don’t know how working moms do it, especially single moms, like my big sister.

As this, the most difficult year of my life comes to a close I have decided to set some goals for myself. I’ve never had much of that stuff they call gumption, I am TERRIBLE with follow through. I think I have a fear of success. I wouldn’t want to be well received because then things will be expected of me. YEESH! cant have THAT!  So I was, like many others, going to make a list of broken promises new years resolutions. I have decided instead to make a list of goals.  So here goes….

  1. Make things. Get good at making things that other people will not only covet, but are willing to pay for with money they worked hard to get. Make things others will love and want to show off to their friends, and they too will covet. (I’m having a bit of a confidence block, I feel my craftsmanship skills are not good enough to put to market, although I’ve done it on a small scale before)
  2. Sell things you handcrafted. Sell things that people want to buy. Get good at marketing and selling the things you make and others covet. (I’m so afraid I will fail to meet the demands of success, or get no success from a lot of effort)
  3. Stop focusing on the life you where never meant to have. Try and improve the one you do. (I can’t help but wonder why those who have hurt me in the past get to have their happiness and I can’t have mine, I guess maybe I haven’t found it yet)
  4. Write more. Write here, whether or not anyone reads it. Write in Loki’s baby book, write letters, write thank you notes, white what is, what was and what could be. Just don’t wallow. (for me that’s like telling a smoker not to smoke)

Well I guess that’s all the coherent rambling I have left in me for now. Loki could wake up any minute, which leaves me feeling like a spy defusing a bomb when I trick her into a nap.

I can’t sleep.

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I’ve always had trouble sleeping. As long as I can remember, getting to sleep seemed impossible. The white nose of the AC sounds like people talking or bad pop music. The fan moving air against my skin feels tingly and distracting. My obnoxious drunk neighbors are loud and remind me of how successful I’m not because I live in a shitty apartment among aforementioned fine young things who live here ironically. Have I mentioned my disdain for hipsters? But I digress. It’s 2am and I lay awake listening to S snore to my left and those cooler than yours truly babbling fucking nonsense out the open window to my right. It’s finally not 100 degrees here in the desert and I just want to air out my shitty over priced apartment. Those asshats already woke up Loki once tonight. What am I suppose to do when I live among a bunch of college kids who for the better part of 5 years only use their party voice? I wish we had a house but it’s basically not an option when you’re poor and unsuccessful so I never entertained the idea. My bad credit married his bad credit and together……we are very easily stoppable.
I usually go off in tangents in my head when I can’t sleep, then I get worked up and my heart races. I’m very sensitive and I don’t think people realize that about me. It is in fact a fault and I don’t know about you but I don’t advertise mine. Until now apparently.
I’m a slacker, I’m unmotivated, lazy, easily distracted, easily discouraged, not very educated, I’m not intelligent in a way that is useful. I’m shy, socially awkward and even fearful. I get confused easily, I don’t like interacting with strangers, I am so chicken shit to drive a car that I’ve never had my drivers license. I get defensive to on a dime, I fail to try, I over think, I  am messy, unorganized and I’m pretty sure most people don’t like me upon first meeting me.
This isn’t meant to be a piss on Jamie party but I guess I was ready to come clean to admit some flaws.

Who Am I?

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My name is Jamie Davis. I am 32 years old. I am a wife and a mother. I make my own laundry detergent, baby wash, baby wipes, baby food and household cleaners. I also cloth diaper and use baking soda instead of toothpaste. You can say I am a bit on the crunchy side, a hippie at heart. My parents always said I should have been at Woodstock, I was just born too late. I tried college and found it wasn’t for me. I’ve always just been another worker bee. Until one fateful evening in April 2011.

I am not the person I was a year and a half ago. My husband and I never intended to have children or even get married for that matter.  We had been together for about 9 years when I got pregnant. In fact the baby was due on our 10 year anniversary, Dec 26 2011. The baby was born on Jan 1st 2011. We both agreed that Baby Loki should have a stay at home mom, until she goes to school at least.

I practice what I like to call Instinct parenting. It’s a bit like Attachment Parenting in that I am a baby wearing, breastfeeding, bed sharing mama. My husband S doesn’t completely agree with the AP stuff and neither do I. I just do what I think is right. I believe in baby lead weaning but I don’t want to be breastfeeding when Loki is 5 and headed off to school. Loki starts her nights sleep in her own bed and I sleep with my husband.  But when Loki gets hungry at night I go to her room, curl up with her on a cot on the floor and go back to sleep while she eats and eventually goes back to sleep. Even though I wear baby Loki, we also use a stroller because sometimes its just easier.

When I decide something while wearing my mommy hat, its based on a variety of things. I’m not going to do this or that because its what my mother did, and her mother before her. I’m not going to go by what this or that expert says or what so and so said about what worked for them. I am going to absorb info from ALL of these sources and do what I think is right for my family.
So, who am I? I’m just me, doing my thing and staying true to myself and trying to learn something new along the way.